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Post By Dancer writes again. Be very afraid; via HH Wed Oct 04, 2006 at 05:21:18 am EDT |
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Dancer #36: “We’re going to need a bigger liability shield.” | |
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| Dancer #36: “We’re going to need a bigger liability shield.” [The scene: The old ruined Parodiopolis Variety Theatre on 5th and Park, where the new owner looks around her property with a few well-chosen girlfriends.] Dancer: Okay, so it’s a fixer-upper. This is kind of like my boyfriends. Yuki Shiro, purple-haired cyborg private investigator-at-large: Except this will still be here in the morning. Unless it collapses before then. Citizen Z, disguised wickedy super-villainess masquerading as a goodie: You’re not seriously telling me you bought this place, Dancer? Where did somebody like you find the twenty bucks? Dancer: Hey, my blood’s as good as anybody’s. But as it happens, I got a loan for the rest from NTU-150. Lisa Waltz, evil attorney (or is that a redundancy?): As it happens, nobody actually knows who this place belonged to anymore. Everybody who has bought it in the last 30 years has died in some horrible kind of way. Ownership was a legal quagmire. So I just used the million dollars on bribes and, um, my legal fees and had the city declare eminent domain and stuff then bought it off them for Dancer. Yuki: Because Dancer has always wanted her own decaying pile of crap? Dancer: This isn’t just a decaying pile of crap. Look around you. This is history! Yuki: Decaying pile of historical crap, then. Dancer: This is the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre! Once upon a time it was the most wonderful venue in the city. People flocked here every night to be entertained. Citizen Z, rooting her boot through the debris of used condoms on the floor: I’m guessing they still do. Dancer: That stage there has been trodden by some of the finest actors and actresses of their age! Lisa: Although we accept no liability for them putting their feet through the rotten floorboards. And we hold them responsible for any damage to our historic floorboards they might inflict through their negligence. Dancer: Now all we have to do is restore the old place, reopen it, then thwart the theatrical villain who’s trying to gain control of all the entertainment venue in Parodiopolis for the mob. Citizen Z: Wouldn’t it just be simpler to go round and beat Solly Bentman to a bloody pulp? If it makes you feel better, we could take a piece of this theatre and beat him to a pulp with it. Dancer: That way we show that the true spirit of the theatre can’t overcome wicked couch-casting badly-shaved waitress-talent-denying villains. No. The show must go on. I mean literally. Lisa, rubbing her forehead: So you’ve really not given up on the idea of fixing this place up and putting on a show then? We were kind of hoping that maybe you were drunk last night. Dancer: Not on a Seamen’s Mission night. Lisa: You know, I sometimes do welfare work for seamen too. Yuki, moving quickly on: Fixing this place up will take a long time, Dancer. Especially since Lisa seems to have absorbed your whole million buck budget on her legal fees. Citizen Z: I hear the seamen were pro-bono though. Dancer: Don’t worry about the repairs. I asked Enty and Al B. to help fix the place up. Yuki, CV, Lisa: …………. Lisa: We’re going to need a bigger liability shield. Citizen Z: We do get to keep the patents on the military applications of any new bathroom equipment, right? Dancer: Don’t worry. And I have lots of other folks who want to come and help out. All kinds of friends. Yuki: You mean every supposedly-reformed supervillain in Parodiopolis, every homeless bum, and every down-on-their-luck loser in the city is about to descend on us with a paintbrush? Dancer, brightly: When I put the word out everybody wanted to help. We’re going to Save the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre. Again. Citizen Z: Because last time it ended in a Hooded Hood world conquest and the return of the Celestian Space Robots. Dancer, cheerfully: We can top that if we all work together. Yuki: And the curse that means all the owners of this place come to gory ends? I did a background check and found this place is basically a sinkhole of evil. Over the years there have been dozens of murders and disappearances, undead lairs, serial killers, elder monsters… Can’t we just put on a show at the Bates motel? Dancer: It’s probably booked. I asked, but the guy needed to check with his mother. Lisa: You really intend to do a live performance here? And inflict Visionary’s singing on the world? Dancer: I hear he does a very nice Henry the Eighth. But this is a Variety Theatre. Everybody’s going to do a turn. Citizen Z, shuddering: And by everybody you mean… Dancer: The whole Legion. Everybody will be happy to pitch in. It’s for a Good Cause. Citizen Z: And you’re saying this from the same planet where this is a wonderful old relic of theatrical glory, right? Yuki: Hey, I’m okay with that. As long as I get to do my party piece, where I jump my bike over two dozen cars. Or two dozen burning cars. Or two dozen burning cars on a burning bike. Dancer: See? Yuki’s got the right spirit. Lisa, looking round, nodding: Burning would be a good thing. Dancer: So, we just need to fix up this place by Friday, work out what routine each of the LL is going to do, call a few more friends in to round out the programme, sell out the tickets, then put on the show of a lifetime! Yay! This will be marvellous! Citizen Z: Can I be in the room when you discuss Mr Epitome’s act with him? [And in the shadows…] The Ghost Writer: So… another fool comes to my theatre, does she? Another victim… *Returns to his cursed typewriter and begins to type… * [To be continued…] [Oh and if you want to let me know what your characters will be doing in the show – or even write a little tie-in – that would be perfectly sweet  ] |
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